The important things

The important things

                It been a weird ride for me. My life that is. I grew up in a middle class WASP-y house that had two parents, a older brother and younger sister and we seemed to always have a cousin living with us…male or female...at any given time. We had a good living and always had friends over for meals and for socializing, I was not the most popular kid, but not the least, I was the middle child and I kind of skated through school as not the dumbest kid, but not the smartest.

I had one passion and it was Karate, not something to build a life around my dad said and he was probably right. I had my share of crushes and girlfriends and growing up I had good middle of the pack kind of jobs, I kind of avoided any kind of manual work thinking it was low paying and lead to a dead end. Early on I wanted to be a teacher, but seeing that as the pinnacle I avoided anything that remotely would get me to that spot….I know…. I was a middle achiever!

My dad called me lazy but did not realize I was actually scared of success. See Success was the END of the Road and always preferred the journey. I always think once you reach your goals you have to die….seriously what is beyond the successful completion of a goal?  Death!!

Life began to change for me seriously when I was in my mid-teens. My parents split up and I was faced with the “What now” kind of situation. To be frank I just kind of hung out at the house my parents built (probably a contributor to the end as I recall) and did not make a choice as to whom to go with in life, my mom moved out and dad held onto the home for a while.

They got back together, sold the house and then moved into another home…which I again stayed in when they split for the second and last time…and again…I stayed simply because it was their…granted this time I had little choice as dad moved in with the grandparents and I was not about to move out to live in a basement of a old home.

So far in my upbringing I was what I would call a middle achiever. Even in Karate I refused to move to Black belt even after more than 10 years of training. Sensei pushed me but I refused, hell I took two week off from before testing till a week after, I trained outside or in the basement but I refused to take my black belt test.

Then after my parents split my life began to kind of tumble into adult hood. I would say it was a series of really bad things that happened that began to change me mentally and I realized, for the most part….I had really screwed the whole thing up!

In 2002 my life fell completely apart, I was a mess. My big brother, the Rock that made things right in my life died. He had battled cancer for a long time, he was 34 and his years being sick really taught me more than my whole life up to that point. Al was always the smarter one, the one with more potential, the gentle giant to my crazy violent nature and irrational behavior. He had not one violent bone in his body and he was really kind of annoyingly smart! When he got sick he began teaching me, his little brother a lot about being a man and prepared me for being a Dad. See he had adopted his wife’s daughter and was working two jobs to help make ends meet. He also became a father to Matthew, his only biological child…but not his only child…a few years before.

Al and I had more time together in the last few years than we had for a long time since. He moved out the first time my parents split and I only saw him the odd week end for a movie and pizza. But when he got sick his wife picked up the slack and worked hard so he needed someone to help him during the day, I stepped in as I worked midnights and helped out the odd time when she was at work and others could not step in.

I think Al knew what the end game was with his Cancer, he kind of knew that he was facing the next phase of his reality and this was his last while here on earth. He felt it was time to straighten out his little brother and we had a few really good talks, well between a lot of laughs and his sleeping a tone of the time, he fit in a lot of wisdom.

I don’t often talk about these things as it brings back a lot of emotions, something to this day I still have a hard time with and hate crying about anything…but do it more and more as I get older and try to remember him more and more. He died 13 years ago and I still remember sitting in his basement with him talking about things and him preparing me, against my will, for the next phase in my life!

In a lot of ways he saw himself as my father figure because, as much as I love my own father, Al was the one that helped raise me when I was a Kid, and my Sensei took over when Al died, my own dad earned money for us and worked hard and tried to be with us as much as possible, but Al was the one that raised me.

Al had a really interesting nature to him, he was funny and loved to make people laugh, but he was really…and I mean kind of scary…smart. He also had some OCD things about him…like numbers had to add to an equal number…which is why he sat me down one day and told me the 10 most important lessons when raising a child…and the funny thing is he used 5 good and 5 bad and used them to make the even number…which I did not realize until I went out to his Grave last time and remembered this conversation…bugger makes me laugh even from six feet away…in the wrong direction!

Over the years I have used lots of what my instructors have taught me to teach the technical aspects of Karate, but I also use a lot of Al’s personality in teaching, he was a great teacher because he believed that to really get someone to learn you have to get them to laugh and engage…here are Al’s ten lessons to teach your child….and try and see how I (you) can use them when teaching!

 

5 Things to Never say or do in front of your Child (children)

One: Don’t ever Use Violence stemming from anger or passion in front of your child (Children)!

                If you raise your hand to your wife, friend or family members you are teaching your child it is okay to be violent towards others you love. Al only once ever physically fought with me, and it was kind of a joke looking back, he knew I would never hurt him seriously but he was also a bit scared of what I could do. He often calmed me down when I was getting mad by saying “Yah, but is it really worth it”. The end results of violence is often more devastating than the physical part of the act.

                I had this natural violent streak in me, I saw red and lost my mind. I would get into fights when I was mad and I would not remember them. I remember being told that when I was in grade one and Al was in Grade six he got into a fight in the school yard with a local bully….I saw the fight start, saw my big brother getting punched in the face and at the ripe age of seven climbed a fence and beat up a bully who was five years…three feet…ninety pounds bigger than me! I had an issue and Al knew it….He told me that you DON’T ever lose your control out of anger, if you have to use violence use it to defend yourself only. It took a lot of years of him calming me down to get to the point where I am now.

                I fight with my wife but never once have I raised my hands…its not worth it!

 

Two: Don’t ever talk down about your spouse in front of your child (Children)!

                When My parents split they were actually pretty good about the whole thing. They did not start speaking ill about each other for a few years, and my Dad tends to not talk ill about my mom ever. Al once told me that when you speak ill of your spouse….past or present…it comes back to haunt you and can destroy your relationship with your kids. He split from his wife one time and told me that he still loved her a great deal but they just could not be together.

                I totally did not understand why he would not call her names or get mad…till they got back together. He told me that despite the brief loss of the relationship he wanted to keep the love they once shared in his mind, not the fights or the anger. Anger eats you up and consumes you. He told me never hate anyone, hate situations, hate broccoli (I don’t) but don’t hate a person, even if they are horrible people, feel bad for them and try to find something good about them to hold onto.

                His theory worked as him and his wife got back together and had a great son and raised a great daughter together till he passed away. I try my best not to hate people, but its hard sometimes not to dislike someone to the point of hate, but like Al used to say “hate and violence are to closely connected”….yah, I hate that he went all Yoda on me once and a while…and I hate even more that I used that nerdy term…but hey, Al brought me to all the movies for a reason I guess.

 

Three: Don’t ever use language you don’t want them to use…like Can’t!

                Al and I had a few things in Common, but for different reasons. I was a middle achiever because even from a young age I did not want it to end, I did not want to reach that next mountain peak…it had to stay the same…I was scared of change. Al on the other hand was friggin brilliant and had a near perfect memory, he was a fantastic artist, got good grades and really could have made something of himself…but he preferred other things. He collected comic books, read about the NASA and space stuff and was…as I say lovingly…a total nerd!

                Al never once however said he could not do something and really hated when others said that. He used to get mad at me because he would drop me off at Karate every Saturday and then wait for me at the comic store so we could get to an early afternoon movie and then bus it home…he hated the two to three weeks he saw me take off every third month to avoid testing. He knew it was not because I could not pass the test, its because I was scared and “could not” test because I did not want to move forwards that fast.

                He also hated that I did not compete as much as I could have. Its not that I couldn’t, its that I was scared of things changing and of possible outcomes. He also hated it when I said I could not do something. We had a deal in the house with Mom that I could do Karate if I could keep my grades up. Al used to try and help me study but having a learning disability is a bitch and he used to say I can do it..and then CRINGE when I yelled I couldn’t and threw my books across the kitchen…I did mention I had an anger issue right?

                Finally in the end Al proved me wrong again. I sat down with him in the Riverview Health Centre at the end of his life and told him if he was ready to go then he did not have to hold on any longer. He kind of looked at me and shook his head, I still did not get it….Its not that he couldn’t ….its that it was out of his hands. The most he could do was his best and it was pretty friggin amazing. He held on years longer than they predicted and in the end he held on days longer than any one thought he would so he could make it to his daughter’s birthday party and then I am sure in the end he made it hours longer, then minutes then seconds before he finally faded away! Never ever say you cant, just do what you can and push…but don’t give up till its time to simply relax and give in.

 

Four: Don’t ever put others down or use Racial/Sexist language in front of your child (Children)!

                The one area I know Al hated was racism and putting people down. One of his favorite movies was Glory. I think I saw that movie 100 times with him. He liked Denzel Washington alright but he liked the fact that the movies he was in were real, they took on racism and he thought that the fact that one person felt they were better than another just because of their skin color was ridiculous and sickened him.

                He also felt that you should not ever put someone’s sexual preference down. We are all made by God or whoever and therefore we can’t be doing things wrong when we do what is natural to us. I remember talking to him about the Bakkers, you know the silly born again holy rollers that were such a big deal with the PTL club and such. Well when Jim Bakker’s scandal came out about him sleeping with some other woman we had a good laugh over that. He used to point out that they used to skewer homosexuals and people of other religions and yet they were not perfect as well.

                Now Karate is a VERY macho sport and when I started there were few women in it, mostly men and most of the attitudes were kind of, well….macho. We used to say things like “Don’t be so gay” and “well that was just gay” and Al  used to yell at me and tell me that was stupid to say. I remember once I said something along the lines of “that’s just gay” and he ripped into me and told me that when one person thinks they are better than a person simply because of skin color or sexual preference or gender that it shows their ignorance and stupidity!

                His passion about equality probably would have just grown as society became more and more invested in equality. I am really sad that Al did not get to see the current situations in the world were Gay rights are now just starting to make headway and that racial inequality is so frowned upon that it is the new Social norm.  He would have been so very proud of the growth we have seen and accepted that we are finally on the right path!

                Al once told me that the best way to learn to accept people for who they are is to simply go and hang out with them and realize that they are human beings like the rest of us. They have feelings, they have passion and they have a right to be seen as equal to us. And he was right.

My best female friend lives in BC and the last time I was out to see her I went out to dinner with her friends…her Gay friends. Realize I grew up in WASP-vile and that was just not the norm. Any Gay people I had met were so far in the closet and scared to show they were “Different” that you simply did not know until someone else told you. Well, I have to say…I had the friggin time of my life with them, and they were a great bunch to hang out with. And not once was I uncomfortable with them…well only once…but that was over a piece of smoked salmon…did I mention I hate sea food?

 

Five: put others down and make fun of them in front of your child (Children)!

                Now Al was 6’3” and weighted between 190 and 300 pounds during his life, he went from being a REALLY big boy to a slim and fit adult and his weight fluctuated a lot during his life. Being a big nerd was not easy for him. He was picked on in school and seen as the perfect target, big enough to impress when you pushed him around and with the bonus of him being a pacifist and not fighting back. He grew up with tones of scars from bullies bugging him but he was also fairly insulated because my Dad was a teacher in the same school and kids would not go after him out of fear of Mr. James getting after them…which trust me…he would not have.

                Al developed a thick skin but the one thing he hated was when people called him names. Me, I would get into scraps on the school yard if a kid looked at me funny, but all would simply walk away and go find another place to play. He developed thick skin on the outside but I knew it bugged him a lot. Actually one time Al told me a kid had been bugging him in school and on the “Field day” we had when all classes did some kind of field game in the school yard I took a bat to that kid and taught him to Not bug my big brother….then my mom paddled my butt with a slipper for hitting the kid…one slap on the ass for each time I had hit the kid…15 swats on the butt…and it was worth every second of it.

                Al later told me he was mad at me for hitting the kid and that the lesson that needed to be learned was not revenge, but that name calling was NOT acceptable and would not work to hurt someone’s feelings. That kid was supposed to learn that bugging Al simply got Al to walk away and he would feel stupid…my way the kid knew it got a raise out of him. And here I thought that 15 bashes in the legs would just teach him how to walk with crutches!

 

5 Things to show or do in front of your Child (Children)

One: Teach Kindness and compassion in everything you do!

                Al had this magic about him. He made you relax and he liked to make you feel at home and loved. He was always a gracious host and more than that he cared about you. He learned from my mom that you should always bring people into your home and take care of them if you care about them as friends or family. When he lived on his own, having taken my grandmother’s home on in the craziness at our house, he used to invite me over for movies and inevitably a Pizza would show up and he had pop…which back then I used to drink a two litter at a sitting. And he never once asked for money.

                Al also gave his spare change to panhandlers religiously! And in Winnipeg back in the 80’s you used to find a lot of them! Keep in mind Al was a sixteen year old kid with an eleven year old brother in tow going to movies and buying comics.  He had a routine that used to tick me off and today I would NEVER advocate for. He would pick me up at Karate and we would go to buy comics, well he bought comics…then a movie….the old fashion way with popcorn, a soda and sitting in a theatre. After the movie he would sit and count his money, an allowance my parents gave him and myself and make sure we had bus fare set aside.  Then he would put our bus fare in his right pocket and the rest of his money (normally a few bucks) in his left pocket. And we would leave the movie theatre.

                The first pan handler he saw that looked needy he would go up  to them and toss the money in their hat or hand it to them. He never told my parents he did this, heck he told me never to tell them and then we would jump on a bus and off to our home we went.

                The whole week he busted his ass cleaning and taking care of us for the $10 bucks he would get from my parents for doing home duties and I would do my bit too and he would give away at least 20% of his money to strangers that he felt needed it more than him. And he never once judged them for being needy. He was that kind of guy growing up and a great roll model!

 

Two: Show you love others!

                One thing about Al that would make you very uncomfortable is that he showed if he liked you, as a friend or family he would give you that handshake bear hug…and as a big guy it was a big hug. He also loved Christmas like no ones business. It was his favorite holiday and he loved going shopping for others. I used to tag along for the times he would buy for my parents or sister and used to get my shopping out of the way.

                Al would wake up early on Christmas and he would open his presents first, not to get to them but to get through them. Every present was met with a Hug to whoever gave it to him…but his favorite was sitting and drinking coffee and watching everyone else open their presents. I remember many Christmas mornings sitting in the basement rec room with him, my Cousin and sister waiting for my parents to come down while Al would be vibrating with anticipation. And every present he opened he would smile and fly across the room to hug who ever bought it for him. Then his family  (We were half-brothers) would come in and he would fly up the stairs to great them.

                Al may have loved Christmas but just about any family gathering he would absorb the minutes with family like a sponge. Conversely I was the one eating dinner in my room while reading or watching TV and playing video games or some such thing. I was the one in the basement working on doing the splits while everyone was up stairs drinking coffee and enjoying each other’s company. And as my wife and family will tell you…I have not changed much.

                Al used to get mad at me for “hiding” in my room or “hiding” in front of the TV. He also used to pull me in for that bear hug of a grip he had and did the same to just about everyone. He showed others how he felt really readily. I have always had an issue with this and even now find it hard to express myself properly to those that mean a lot to me. Truly one of the most valuable lessons he taught me and one I am still working on.

                The end result is that everyone that knew Allan knew how he felt about them and even now I will find myself in the Dojo training with some kids that are really special to me and I find myself pushed to rustle up their hair or smile at them and I realize its Al’s influence saying “don’t forget to let them know you like them”. Most of the time I guess I come across as kind of mean and angry when I’m just kind of trying to hide out in my shell, but every once and a while I try and show a bit of what Al told me was important…to show how I feel.

 

Three: Hope and dream, it makes life worthwhile!

                Like I said before, Al was a nerd, but the one thing we need to realize is Nerds…well they are dreamers and they have hope and live with goals and dreams when most of us are content trudging through the bushes and not expressing ourselves or pushing ourselves to dream.

                Al loved movies and he loved adventure because it was an outlet for his dreams. He also liked to talk with me because, as he said, I was not a dreamer…I was a story teller. He often got after me for not writing more and for not expressing myself because he thought that it would bring out the dreamer in me. And he did. Dreaming of better places, and better people did not mean abandoning the ones we have here in this reality or this world, it meant making an impact and making them better people. Dream for a better world then take steps to make it better.

                Also, Al realized that having hope and dreams meant that life was worthy of living. If you give up and don’t have a dream it seemed so sad. I started using this far to late in life and my dreams became just that. I never reached out for them and started writing till I was near my 40s and then I simply dipped my toes in the water until I turned 41 and started gushing out crappy novel length stories and then getting rid of them. Just recently have I started passing them on to be read by others and cringe at the idea of sharing, but Al told me…Dream, hope and then life like those dreams are reality. I always wanted to write books and even with little practice I am starting to do it so one day I can look back and see my dream of getting a book published becomes reality.

                My suggestion is to find your passion, figure out what you want to do and then go for it…dream big…plan well and go for it!

 

Four: Fight for it when you want it and don’t give in!

                Al fought, he battled against Cancer and showed me that dispute me being the “Crazy violent Brother” he was the stronger and more emotionally powerful of the two of us. Often we face battles that have immeasurable opposition to us and we simply can’t see a way of winning…that’s no excuse to not wade hip deep into battle and try to push harder than you ever thought you could!

                Sometimes you pick your battles and sometimes they pick you! You need to simply know that you can go all “bezerker” on the opponent and take the battle to them. Go down swinging and go out on your shield if you need to. I remember one time I was in a rare tournament in the city and Al was there. I was a Ikkyu and had to face Dan level competitors because we did not have a big enough division to be separate. I had already given up when the tournament started and we were told of the mixing of ranks. I told him “Well that was a waste of my time” and had thrown in the towel pretty much. I will never forget what he told me….”well lets go then! Its over”.

                I kind of looked at him blankly, he did not get it…Sensei would kill me for just leaving! But he looked at me and said “If you are not going to try then what’s the point, you did not come here to give up did you?”. I made it to the third round and got a bronze for my efforts. I may not have “Won” that day but I did not give up!  I learned that just because you are going to lose does not mean you should not try!

                I often have to remind myself of this, I get upset and frustrated when I lose and will be the first to tell you and admit to being a poor loser…but I try…every time I try and give it everything I can, which is why I get so upset when I don’t win…but to be honest it takes a bit to get my head back on straight and then I realize that I tried….I gave it my all and went out on my shield!

                Karate, much like life has given me TONES of opportunities to try for something and not get it, to reach for the brass ring and to miss by just a bit, or a mile, but to give it a go and see what happens. Sometimes you need to have that fighting Tiger feeling when you are hit with a Battle you don’t see coming, they are the toughest ones to work through. Al did not expect to get cancer and when the doctors finally came to him with what the situation was it was a death sentence. He was given very little time and he battled and fought for every second more that he could get, he went to the states and destroyed his body with radiation treatments, surgeries, chemotherapy and he fought with his pride and passion that he had and scrapped and clawed for every minute he had left. And in the end he got what he wanted…just a little more time with his family and more so with his kids.

                The significant lesson to be learned and one to pass on to your kids or your students is to fight….fight for everything that means something to you and try and move ahead. Don’t ever throw in the towel because that is easier to do, go down swinging and do what you need to do and not what is easy to do. Push hard and don’t stop! The end will come but you cant just accept it or worse….don’t help it along!

                One of Al’s hero’s was Christopher Reeves, you know superman. Now he was not his hero because he was superman…actually Al only kind of liked the movie. He became his hero only after he had a horrible accident that put him in a wheel chair for life. See Reeves was the macho kind of guy, he was a nice guy but he played a Macho hero that represented great power, but when he was put in a wheel chair and actually faced insurmountable odds he really started showing his true power. He was a positive role model and Al often spoke about him and a few others and how they helped drive him to be a better person and work harder when he finally faced his battle with Cancer. Basically Al felt that when you face the fights you end up in during your life you pushed and pushed and fought till you simply were not able to anymore and even then you did not just accept what was going to happen…you used every ounce of energy and your natural powers and you battled till the very end.

 

Five: Enjoy life for all its worth!

                Al Died at the age of 34…way too young for a man to die at, and there were lots of times that I felt he was short changed. He lived a good life, short as it was and the one thing he told me was that you need to enjoy life and all that it has to offer because it is simply too damn short! Al did things he loved to do right up to the end. When he was sick he turned to comedy movies and he watched movies he loved and had a passion for because movies was his thing. He used to read and re-read his comics (which he called graphic novels) and he used to try and spend as much time with his family as he could, especially his kids.

                Now I spend as much time with my daughter as I possibly can and I have my weekly “Date night” with my wife to make sure that once a week we connect and go out for dinner. I do what I want to do and try to be happy with what I have because life is too damn short and Al’s biggest lesson to me was just that. To live life, be happy, forgive people and go on! Its not worth the guff and the grief to hold a grudge or be upset because that eats into the life you have ahead of you. Live life and love every minute of it!

                Al also left the world the way he came into it. My mom tells the story of how Al was born way to premature and tiny but he gave her the thumbs up when he was born to tell her that everything was going to be okay. He was right…not only did he grow way bigger than probably should have been expected, he was rather healthy! Most premature babies see tones of health issues and Al never really did, not from my recollections.

He also went through tones of crappy luck when he was a kid. Basically it was Mom and Al for the first three or four years of his life before my Dad came into the picture, then at five he had to start putting up with me…..but let me back up a bit. When he was a kid my mom and him did not have much money, they lived in old apartments and she busted her ass to make things as good for the two of them as she could. And one day he was being baby sat while she was working and next thing you know he was jumping into a scalding hot bath, with some luck it was feet first and not with is hole body. His feet were done however and right up till the day he died he had some pretty interesting scars on his feet.

Al also had a weird kind of childhood. He had three sets of grandparents as a kid, well we all kind of did. He had our moms parents, his father’s parents and my dad’s parents. To be frank (and I don’t mean my grandfather) My dad’s parents never really took to him and to make matters worse his father was a jerk to him and basically wrote him off so he could go live his own life. But Al took this all in stride and never let any of this get to him…well normally.

Al’s philosophy on life really affected me and made me who I am today as a father, husband, son, friend, teacher, student, employee and mentor. Personally I see Al as my Hero, my mentor, my teacher and my big brother…and I will strive to remember and apply his lessons and hope to pass them on to others so if you learn anything from the life of Allan John Rogers its to be good to others, never ever give up and to enjoy it all…because some day…and not far enough away really…it will all be over!